The way I see it, when it comes to race and conversations around reconciliation, “the white person’s burden” continues to be the fear of being labeled a racist. The way I see it, many White people can feel as though there is no space to ask questions about race or explore the topic with non-white people without feeling judged right away. The way I see it, many White people can even feel like they aren’t able to publicly disagree with non-white people regarding ideologies and philosophies about race without the fear of being called a racist or insensitive. Therefore, lots of White people choose to stay out of the conversation altogether.
Don’t we all need a place to have safe conversations around race instead of heated arguments? Is there a place for the perceived “oppressor” to be quick to listen and slow to speak and for the perceived “oppressed” to be slow to become angry?
What I am not talking about is making mean-spirited, flippant remarks that dehumanize people. What I am talking about is real conversation between real people. Is there a place where well-meaning (White) people can ask questions, stumble and fall and put their footin their mouths and learn from…dare i say… their non-White brothers and sisters?
In the Bible, Paul speaks of “offering our bodies as living sacrifices” as our spiritual act of worship to God. What if becoming safe places for people around the topic of race were part of that sacrifice?
White people are a critical part of the conversation on race and reconciliation. They matter too, and so do their own stories of pain and rejection.
What do you think about this?
nikkilerner 
Great question. I love learning about different types of culture, ways of doing things, differences in people in general. I think it’s what makes every individual unique. But there is always this awkward place when it comes to cross-race questions. I know I’ve had thoughts go through my mind “Can I ask this?” “Why do I feel funny about asking this question?”
I usually try to ask God for wisdom and grace in my communication, questions and conversations around this issue.
Great post Nikki!
Hey Adam! Thank you for reading. I totally feel you. Sometimes I feel like that when I am curious about where a person is from when it’s obvious that they have a strong accent 🙂 I have begun saying something like… “you have a lovely accent. what language do you speak?” That seems to open the door 🙂
Wondering if you might engage for a moment… what is something that you’ve been curious about, but too nervous to ask?
I like the way you phrase your question, making it come from a positive angle. Hmm, something I’m nervous to ask.
I grew up being very close friends to a family who lived next door to us who were african-american. Their one son Courtlan was one of my best friends. There was never a time that I thought them different then myself. But as I’ve gotten older one of the things I love about the black community is their sense of community.
I think I understand where that comes from, but not completely sure. It’s different then the north-east keep-to-yourself atmosphere that I grew up in.
That would be a quick, top-of-my-mind question.
This is awesome. Yes, I think you are right. There are many cultures (specifically American-minded too) that place a high value on Individualism. This is just a theory of mine, but I wonder if that becomes a value of a particular economic group because they perceive that they can “take care of themselves.” I think that many African-American families are so dependent on one another because they recognize the need for one another for survival. Again, I’m making a generalization, but this could depend on the economic situation is some cases (not all). It is something that is sort of instilled in you that we need each other.
Adam, what is your family life like? More collective, or individualistic? Do you know why?
Hi Nikki! I’m so proud of you. Thank you Thank you Thank you. I’ll follow you to a new beginning. Love, Dave
Hey Dave! Thanks for reading, friend. Simply curious… have you ever felt like this? Do you feel, as a white dude that you have space to have genuine conversations about race?
I’m made to feel this way every single day. I generally make my own space while passionately & thoughtfully disagreeing. Honestly, it’s the R-word that causes folks to disregard what I say because they have a predetermind opinion of me. I’ve been branded a racist by good folks simply because I’m a white dude. We laughed it off but that really hurt.
Dave… thank you for sharing. I am so sorry that people called you that and labeled you. It’s not fair. I’m sorry that people labeled you before asking you any questions about your own story too.
What do I think? I think you hit the nail on the head! I know that I can never fully understand your experience as a black woman. But I also feel that you can never fully understand mine as a white woman. Unless we both agree that we can share those experiences in a judgment free zone, where we are each comfortable enough with the character and intent of the other to know that even if toes are stepped on, it’s with the goal of understanding and loving each other better. I know racism exists…and that it’s ugly…and that you have to deal with it as part of your daily life in a way that I never will. I ache over that. Truly. But I think a different, better R-word needs to replace it in our world. Relationship. THAT R-word completely trumps the other and resolves the hurts and humiliations of the generations before us and those that will come after.
Angie, thank you for sharing your story. I like the “new” R-word… Relationship. Good conversation and comprehension can only come within the context of Relationship. We are much less likely to make generalizations about people when we know “those people”… whoever “those people” are. They are… “us”… I’m glad that we get to be in relationship together 🙂
It’s an honor to be called your friend…and your Sister in Christ, Nikki. I’m grateful to be part of your “us”! And I’m so proud of you for taking us all on this journey in your blog. You are an incredible model of bridge-building and racial reconciliation. Thank you for stepping in where others may fear to tread. I adore you! 🙂
Hi Nikki, Thank you for this post. I am gratefu to you for your friendship, and for allowing me that place and safety. You have served well as my sister in Christ, co-worker for the King, and culture coach. I have been more intentional about making friends from other races and cultures in this past year. As an aging-white-divorced-woman of faith, there are many stereotypes as well as racial barriers I’ve come in contact with. Opening the dialogue through relationship has been a blessing to me, but in my life-experience, has been a rarity. Thanks again for this post!
Heidi, thanks for reading and commenting. I have enjoyed “life-times” with you too!
Would you mind telling us 1 or 2 intentional things that you have been doing to build cross-cultural relationships? What’s working? What’s not? 🙂
Sure! I have a small example to share. I recently moved into a very small GA community, just outside the I-285 loop of Atlanta. Knowing I was moving, I researched many of the opportunities to get-involved in my new community. In my research, I found that First Baptist Church offered classes by extension from Moody Bible Institute. I figured taking classes would be a great way to meet people in my new neighborhood. I found out, also, that this church is the “black” church in town. When I began last fall to take my first class, I was the only white person… and this spring, once again, I was the only non-African American person… in the entire program. I have been surprised by my experience in a few ways. I have made one really neat new friend and we enjoy each other’s company outside class. Neither of us attend the host church. Our friendship began to grow deeper when I invited her to supper before class at my home. I will continue to take classes as long as they will have me :)… I have felt left out at times, by comments made by others in class, but not always, and I don’t believe it was ever intentional. We all have a passion for God’s word, and that joins us together. I look forward to opportunities to dialogue with my classmates, and develop more relationships… maybe in the next class… 🙂
I can remember when I attended an AME church, I always felt uncomfortable for the black/white couples because the whole origin of that church was based on blacks being forced to worship in a separate section. So when the pastor would get fired up and recant the story– I can’t imagine it being very spiritually unbiased for the white folks that were there.
I asked a white guy about it and he said he definitely felt uncomfortable, that it was a struggle for their relationship and he was especially shocked to have someone make a smug remark about “how’s it feel to be in the minority?”
I was disappointed…but it was an example of someone using their pain to cause pain.
Nikki….appreciate your courage to raise this issue. It crosses my mind everyday on a couple of levels. I’m hopeful that we can have this dialogue amongst the “multicultural safety” of Bridgeway. White people can sense the tension among black folks and can sometimes be pushed to talk aloud about this in forced diversity training at work…(after something has blown up!). So no wonder its off limits. But like in Letters Across the Divide…its very enlightening (for both sides) to have honest dialogue. One on one with a trusted friend is great…group discussions are needed but it helps if someone can be the “designated driver” to moderate to keep it balanced, and also to manuever the group through the dynamics. Damage can be done if an inividual or group is not heard or “over” heard. Even when the pain and defensiveness arises….its okay and normal–but it needs to be processed through toward an outcome of learning and growth. We are not going to solve the social ills, but we can learn how to apply Jesus’ simple, powerful love on a complicated issue.
As a parent of bi-racial kids–I’m committed to and love learning and observing to give them the skills to navigate the mixed (no pun intended) messages they see and hear daily–from many sides.
Thanks for the comment, Steve. You are so right! In our country, it seems as though we only talk about issues of race when something terrible happens. Someone is shot, or not served, or beaten. Therefore, we have no context in order to have real conversation.
What would help you in your world, Stephen,as you attempt to build bridges?
The stated permission at the beginning of the conversation to be wrong. I try to put people at ease by telling a story where I have absolutely made the wrong assumption (so, when are you due? (silence) Uh, oh…you’re not pregnant)…or use an example where soemone said something totally offensive to me in an office environment….to let them know that “I can take it without over-reacting” and might even find the humor in the situation. I think it’s also about being in constant learning posture–one never reaches a pinnacle in cultural competence….it’s a journey.
Excellent post Nikki. Six years ago, my best friend (who happened to be hispanic) passed away at 32 years of age. One thing I learned from knowing her is that race relations are very much an evolving two way street. Her Mother had a big party for her when she turned 30… but none of her “white friends” (she had hundreds) were invited. I remember her saying (in reference to someone I thought she should date), “My Mother would rather I come home with a Chinese man”… and that was not evidently a good choice. I also see all kinds of prejudice in all walks of live. I know a gay man who has an extreme anti-fat attitude. My reaction to that is how can someone who has known that side of bigotry be so bigoted about someone else? No matter how we try to cloak it and cover it up, I think the seeds of the ways in which we were raised are always inside us, trying to get out. We have come a long way, but we have so much further to go. I think each generation who raises their children with love instead of hate makes it easier for the next to live with out bigotry.
Thanks for the comment, Jodi. Nice to hear from you 🙂
As a White woman, do you feel like you have safe spaces to have conversations about race?
No… I don’t think I do. I think that I am always afraid I will offend, simply because of ignorance. There was only one black family in my high school when I went (I am OLD). Things have changed here now, the school is somewhat more diverse. My husband and I bought the house that I grew up in and the Mr. Allen and his son, Ed (the remaining members of that one black family) still live 10 houses up the street. Still the only family of color on the street, but not in the town. I wonder how my perspective might be different had I not moved from Baltimore when I was nine years old.
Hmmm… i wonder what it’s like for Mr. Allen and Ed to live on a street for all these years where they are the only African-Americans? Curious why they stay and if they have always felt welcomed or understood, etc.
I wonder what might happen if your families shared a meal together? 🙂 I’m just sayin’…
The hardest part of entering the conversation is that I don’t want to offend. Growing up in the capital of the confederacy (Richmond, VA), it was uncouth to describe someone as black. You would literally describe everything else about the person before saying “black”. Most black people in Richmond would rather be called African American anyway. Then when I moved to Chicago…it was much different. There black people openly celebrated their “shade” of color…describing eachother as carmel, chocolate, etc. This scared me to death…because 1) I’d be shot in Richmond for saying that someone was “colored”, 2) Black people were talking to me openly about race, and 3) I had no previous experience talking to black people about race. Now I live in smalltown Visalia, California…where there is about 2% black population. Here…I actually experience significantly more ignorance about black culture…and racial tensions exist mostly between whites and latinos. All this is to say that the temperatures change with race just as frequently as the weather. It is difficult to keep track of what offends and what is safe to discuss. What do we do about that?
Hi B.J.! Thanks for your words.
Do you have people in your world right now who you could ask questions to and possibly put your foot in your mouth and not be judged, but learn from?
I had a friend once who asked me what Black people would prefer to be called. I asked him if he’s ever asked someone what they preferred and he said that he didn’t want to offend. I thought it might be a nice gesture if it was within the context of relationship 🙂 Here is a good cultural competency moment for any of you that are wondering:
It is always appropriate to use the formal term African-American. You can almost never go wrong in referring to people like that. Once you get to know them, you will probably find out what they prefer, but to be “safe” start with AA. Your friend might then tell you what they would prefer 🙂
Nikki, Thanks again for providing this space. I have a question. Why are we still labeling people based on ethnicity? Why not ask the person his or her first name and go from there? When will we all be -Americans-?
Hmmm… well, in my opinion (and that’s all that it is) referring to people and including their ethnicity is not necessarily a bad thing. For instance, if you were going to describe me, your friend, to someone that didn’t know me and they were trying to find me in a crowd, you might say that I am African-American. That’s really okay with me 🙂 The fact that I am AA is a part of who I am. It is not ALL that I am, but definitely a part. In that context, I think it’s cool. I think the human mind in its original form likes to be able to categorize things, so that may be another reason.
Where it gets dangerous is when we start referring to ethnic groups with a “those people” mentality and start dehumanizing them. Whether that be Asians, Gays, people with more or less money than we have, or different genders. I will also say that for most minorities in this country….race and ethnicity are ALWAYS before you. Believe it or not, it is actually instilled in you when you are a child from your parents. Weird, I know, but it’s the truth.
All that to say… I love it when someone thinks of me as Nikki and not “my black friend Nikki”. Makes me feel like a person. Hopefully, one day our names will be first and our ethnic identity based on our color will be somewhere down the list.
Nikki…I can see that “African American” would be a safe bet. But I have had folks (mainly in Chicago) say…”we are not all from Africa.” Truthfully…I hadn’t really given much thought to that. The further west I’ve traveled…the more I’ve noticed this diversity…and the more uneasy I’ve become…because it seems that in most of America calling someone “black” (in a friendly context) is what people do. However, in ministry, I’m constantly trying to figure out who would prefer what.
It has been a long time since I’ve had a close African American friend to talk openly with…and now that I live in Visalia it seems less likely that I will have this blessing in the near future.
I love this conversation because it opens eyes to the reality that in order for recociliation to take place, we have to respond to the call to intentionally do something about it…giving up on striving only for comfortable conversations… in order to have conversations that wouldn’t normally happen without someone being a bridge maker!
I love you, Nikki! Keep doing what you’re doing!!! You are making people smile all the way on the west coast! 🙂
Thanks, B.J. And you KNOW that you can always contact me and consider me a safe friend in your life 🙂
Well, Nikki, as usual, I feel like I have dealt with both sides of this.
Scenario #1: I am listening to a white friend say to me, “I don’t see color.” My jaw hits the floor. I think about Jelani would be such a patient teacher in this situation! I just want to hand them a copy of Divided by Faith and tell them not to talk to me again until they’ve read it (not a gracious response, I know). And for me, the hardest part is not their ignorance or their foot-in-mouth statement, but their pride in their current stance. They don’t have any idea that their foot is in their mouth. Not only that, but it often becomes evident that they are judging ME because I don’t share their “enlightened” color-blind perspective.
Scenario #2: I am spending time with a group of people, and I happen to be the only white person there. Someone, in an effort to be a gracious teacher, will pause and turn to me to “explain something about Black people” – and I can tell that they have assumed me to be just like the pridefully “color-blind” white people that I hate having to deal with. And I have no idea how to tell them I’m not that person, I already know the stuff they are telling me, and I feel totally alienated by the interaction. It seems that I will be judged at times whether I am ignorant or not.
The truth is, I haven’t figured out how to be gracious in either conversation! The whole thing is just painful and exhausting.
Thanks for taking time to dialogue on this! 🙂
Wow! yeah.. i can totally see this Holly. You are absolutely right. The first issue at times is pride. We like to just state our opinions and purposes without asking any questions because we think we are right. Just because we view something one way doesn’t mean that it’s truth and it can really alienate people. I don’t know which is worse… the person who does that on purpose, or the person from whom statements like that just flow effortlessly without their knowledge.
In Scenario #2, I’ve actually been in that situation. But I’ve been the one explaining the cultural joke or context to someone else. Usually, though, what I have done is look over at the person and ask them if they understood what we were saying before I assume that they didn’t. Of course, that’s usually within the context of relationship. However, for me, I just hate it when people are left out of an “inside” joke or something like that and feel excluded, so I catch myself asking that a lot of people in many situations.
Praying that God would give you grace and forgiveness 70×7.
I think there are those who don’t “see color,” though. Not that they literally don’t see the color of a person’s skin, but that as they are interacting with the other person, they aren’t looking at that aspect of their being. I confess I’m not there – I do notice, even if it doesn’t matter to me what color someone’s skin is – but I do believe some of my kids are. They have grown up in a different world than I did and have not yet had to carry that “white person’s burden” that Nikki wrote of.
Denise, yeah, our children are growing up in a different time. Race still matters, they just think about it differently, I think. And, I really think it’s okay to “see color”. Don’t beat yourself up about it. As long as you see it as a beautiful, God-given thing and not linked to negative stereotypes, etc., it’s a good and beautiful thing 🙂
Great Post! My BESTEST friend is a white girl and I praise God that we can have these open discussions some get heated BUT not where we are angry at each other. Well she was bold enough and I had grace enough to receive her disagreement about blacks or African Americans being disadvantaged because she grew up poor and disadvantaged because of civil rights. She explained how her father was stripped of his business because of racial relations. Her perspective just opened my eyes and how she as a white women grew up poor because of race relations. It takes receiving and giving grace of God to have such conversations nowadays because people aren’t as free as they think they are.
Thanks so much for posting 🙂 Yeah.. there were a lot of white people who suffered right alongside black people during the civil rights. Glad that you and your friend have the chance to share life together.
Very though provoking Nikki. I can honestly say that as a white male, I never thought of the White person’s burden of being labeled a racist. That is, I never imagined I would ever be label a racist until it happened. I was forced to step down from a community leadership position to protect my family from having to endure the continued attacks and racist labels. I sought counsel from both my African American and White friends, only to learn that there was no way to fight the accusations without it getting very ugly for all involved. I was amazed at the outpouring of my church friends who were willing to line up and defend me. I decided to allow the Lord to deal with the people involved because they made it very clear they had no desire for resolution.
I said all this only to set the context of my perspective. I never realized how much a safe place to discuss the differences and similarities between races is needed, until I needed it. Far too often, I see people on both sides of the issues opt not to ask questions for fear of appearing to target stereotypes. When in reality, they are looking to debunk falsehoods they have been taught or are genuinely interested in learning about another’s culture and life experiences. We all need to think before we speak and determine how a question will be received. Would I ask the same question, the same way, if I asked a White person the question? If not, then I should figure out a better way to ask it.
I loved the opening premises in “Letters Across the Divide” that sometimes the discussions will be brutally honest, sometimes offend without meaning to, and neither person speaks for an entire race. All discussions are from each person’s perspective and how they were brought up. Why can’t we seem to remember these when we have discussions between races?
Wow… Mike that is powerful. Thank you for sharing that piece of your story. What I loved about it was that you had a line of friends who were not white to come to your defense and would stand up for you. THAT is the mark of true relationship. Love you, man. Glad we get to do life together.
Hey Nikki, bless you for your willingness to go down this road! I think your use of the term “white person’s burden” really is excellent. I know that, when speaking to a black person that I don’t know very well, I do feel a very conscious burden to guard everything about me, from the words I use to my body language to the expression on my face, so that I don’t inadvertantly or accidently do or say something that makes the other person think that I am making any kind of value judgement on them because of their race. If I go on to become friends with this person, then this burden disappears, because then our relationship is based on the things that unite us, such as common interets and mutual respect, rather than the things that divide us. I guess I just wish that race didn’t have to be such an issue in the interactions between people of different backgrounds, though I am fully aware that this may just be naive and wishful thinking from someone who has always been part of the “majority” race and who has never had to suffer the disadvantages of coming from a minority.
So, since you went and expressed a desire for open, honest dialogue, may I ask you a question? What is your opinion of people like Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, men whose entire careers and livelihood seem to be dependant on racism being alive and well and rearing it’s ugly head in this country? Do they strike you as being more divisive than uniting among people who are already attempting to get along with each other? Do you think they promote an unhealthy “victim” mentality among minorities that helps to perpetuate animosity between people? Obviously, the way I phrase these questions makes it pretty clear how I feel about them! I bring them up though because these men and others like them have always seemed like sacred icons in the black community, as though to question the “defenders of racial justice” is the same thing as shouting, “I am a racist!” What are your thoughts on this?
There is one idea that I think might help in the relationships between different groups of people (I think it’s actually been around for a while). Instead of lumping all non-African Americans, Latin Americans, Asian Americans, or Native Americans into one group we just call “white,” why not call each of these people by their respective nationalities as well. In fact, get rid of the terms black, white, latino, and asian all together. Let’s have English Americans, Jamaican Americans, Portuguse Americans, Irish Americans, Cambodian Americans, German Americans, Tahitiian Ameicans, Laotian Americans, Scottish Americans (I myself would like to be reffered to as a Celtic American!). That way, when we interact together, we all have the “American” part in common, and we’re all minorities.
Hi Les! Thank you so much for taking the time to read, share your own story, and ask questions. I really like the way that you closed your post. I agree, it would be awesome if we could really know one another’s origins, if you will, and respect them that way. That would require a massive “culture” change in our country and a “re-viewing”, if you will, of how we see one another. I am hopeful that it can happen 🙂
Regarding your question about Al & Jesse… depending on who you ask, you may get varying responses. But since you asked me, just remember that this is my opinion and the way I see it, but will always be, at best, shortsighted because it’s through the filter of my own experiences.
I believe that these guys started out with the best intentions with regards to standing up for people who couldn’t stand up for themselves. Speaking for those that had no voice. And in a time where many African-American people had no power, no voice, and no influence, these guys began using their own influences to point out racial injustices. So… in that regard, I appreciate the willingness of those guys to speak up.
However, I believe that when Al & Jesse (and people like them) step into a heated situation, they usually do not make every effort to build bridges between divides and people. In my opinion, they can make it worse and perpetuate anger, stereotypes, and really alienate people. And not just White people, mind you. There are many of us within the African-American community who would rather these guys just… “retire” 🙂 Those of us that desire conversation and not just accusations. You cannot understand someone until you begin asking questions about their story and you cannot ask questions if you are too busy trying to make yourself heard. For me, personally, they do not speak for me or the community that I am a part of. Media outlets call guys like that during times of strife because it will make the ratings go up… not because they are bridge-builders.
I, personally, prefer a different approach, however, I do respect the work that they have tried to do for many years. I just think that it’s time for new voices. Fresh voices in the racial reconciliation movement. People of ALL colors and nations building bridges of peace and understanding and allowing wounds to heal.
Maybe this is our moment, Les 🙂
Love to you, friend…
Thanks for this post. It voices some of the concerns I have had about being a white male in a place where I’m in the minority. I’ve enjoyed reading all of the comments above, and I’m going to continue to follow your blog. It looks like some of your other posts are equally as poignant!
Hi R,
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.
You mentioned that you are a white male in the minority. Where are you? What does it feel like for you to be the minority?
I’m in the Baltimore metro area. I’m always hesitant to bring up any kind of race discussion because I never know how the other party will take it. For example, I have some African-American friends with whom I have had several good conversations about race (to the point where I think I understand them and am on a similar page), but one day they announce that in a particular “black-white” conflict they would support the black man, regardless of the facts (at least, that’s how I took it because I didn’t see how the facts warranted his support). It was a closed-case for them and not open for discussion. Maybe that’s just my white-non-minority mindset showing my own ignorance, but I couldn’t see how they could just use “race” as a trump card.
I’ve also had instances here in Baltimore of African-American workers ignoring me. For example, I was waiting for several minutes to be served at a fast-food restaurant. When the counter worker came to take the next order, they looked at the African-American person/people that had just walked in 30 seconds ago and said, “How can I help you?” It was clear that I had been there for several minutes waiting because the worker was helping a previous customer at the time, and so the choice of going to the African-American customers next seemed to be a willful choice to ignore my business. I wanted to interrupt and say, “I was here first!” but I didn’t, because I thought that doing so would only make the situation worse. I was disappointed in both the worker and the other customer(s) who also knew I was there first, and so I didn’t return to that business for a long time.
To give another non-African-American illustration: My father’s family comes from Quebec where speaking English will quickly label you as an outsider. During a family reunion trip we found ourselves in a situation where we needed to change hotels at 7 or 8 PM (our hotel had lost power and said it could be out for the remainder of the evening). I remember going to a hotel where the worker wouldn’t help or even listen us because we spoke English. We did eventually find a hotel, but we had to travel about 20-30 minutes away to a more city-like environment.
R – wow. I am so sorry that you felt ignored when you were at that business. I don’t know if it was because you were White or not, but it was certainly rude!
Seems like you have a lot of stories and experiences that continue to shape your own story of race and diversity.
Thank you for continuing to pursue conversations even when you’ve had your own pain to get through. We need more people like you 🙂
Nikki, I love this post, it’s funny because growing up I grew up in foster homes sometimes in the not so nice places of town and it was all of the African American girls or ” The sisters” as we all said who watched out for me when I would changed schools or anything it was like I was the only white girl that was in a black girl’s situation ( that’s how it was put to me) when I was little so as I grew up I would be on the streets and again I clung to the Black girls because I knew I fit in with them best but as I got off the streets and came to Jesus that was when I starting seeing color. Kind of wierd ya think? It was in church that I found the ” Clicks” of diffrent status and Black women tended to look down on me in church because of where I had come from. I’m so happy to be at bridgeway because Pastor Anderson has such a passion for bringing that racial divide together. I’ll admit I didn’t like it at first I felt like there was to much focus on ” Black and White” but it’s basically a topic that simply makes people feel uncomfortable ya know. I always thought that divide was no longer there but it is just very indirectly. I love the African American culture the Family values are awesome!!! My foster mother was 100% portugeese but her skin was dark skinned and black women are beautiful and funny, and just true to themselves! I think your’e a perfect example of that your’e beautiful, an exqusite voice, artistic, and true to who you are dependant only on our precious Lord and Saviour…..
Blessings,
Adrienne Ingram
Hi Adrienne,
Thank you for going out of your way to say kind things 🙂 And thanks for sharing your story. We have one don’t we? 🙂
I’m grateful that you’ve been able to lean into the “uncomfortableness” over time. What do you feel like you’ve learned or embraced about race by being in a multicultural church environment?
Love this. You are so right.
Hey friend 🙂 Thanks for reading. You know… I always loved when you said that you were more African American than me 🙂 haha…
Sean, do you feel like you have safe spaces to talk about race?
I grew up in a very racially segregated place – Long Island, New York. It wasn’t until I moved to Baltimore in 1984, that I began to realize how much this segregation had instilled in me a fear of people with whom I had had no experience. I am so grateful for the years that I lived in Baltimore – including those next-door neighbors of mine, very dark in skin, who came to be known by my children as Aunt Bertha and Uncle Chamberlain. Bertha was very much involved in the ultimate salvation of my family. I was to learn (from their adult daughter), many years later, after we had moved to Baltimore County and had our third child, when Bertha and Chamberlain were many years since deceased, that our family had ended up contributing to the ultimate salvation (on his death-bed, no less!) of Uncle Chamberlain.
When we moved to Baltimore County, I intentionally began to do my food shopping at a supermarket primarily staffed by African American people and frequented by African American shoppers. I did not want to be racially isolated from African American people again – especially with the birth of my youngest child. I did not want him to be segregated as I had been as a child. The church that we attended at the time, over time, began to “naturally” become more inter-racial. I believe that this was due to the presence of the Holy Spirit within that body which moved us to first and foremost love one another as human beings. My experience of Bridegway has really been my first of a community Intentionally working to reach across racial and cultural divides. I really enjoy how you keep opening things up at deeper and deeper levels. I really do believe that this is what the Lord would want – that we not fear boldly working to break new ground – that we believe and stand firmly upon the belief that love and the genuine desire to understand one another will cover a multitude of “mistakes”.
(And, quite honestly, I do think of you, first, as “Nikki”.)
Hey my sweet friend 🙂 Thank you for reading and sharing your story. What I love about what you shared is the intentionality in which you live your life with regards to race. That is what it’s all about. Where you choose to eat, shop, work, worship, all of that will greatly impact your ability to relate with other cultures and you are plunging head first. I love it!
Thanks, Diana 🙂 Hugs!
Hi Nikki-
Being Latina but often confused as asian wanting to marry a black man (not allowed by my parents) and having 2 kids both interested in relationships outside their race, I have empathy for anyones burden when it comes to race. In Puerto Rico there’s a saying “El que no tiene hechas no tiene sospechas ” , Loose translation, if your questions are true and honest than no one should perceive you as racist. This may sound too simple but you can ‘t control what the other person thinks or believes so that ‘s where God comes in just be Still. Even within a race there is racism. Me for example light skinned and fluent in English perceived by some as racist same as better than you. If only they knew
that went back to college to master the Spanish language and self tan becauseI envy their dark skin!
Thank you for reading and sharing, Magdy. I know that you have a totally different experience living in Puerto Rico. I love that saying about being honest and true with your questions 🙂
Great post.
Thank you for reading, Danielle 🙂
Well you’ve definitely identified a big issue. One I’ve thought about many times over the last 30 years. I grew up in Western Oklahoma, it was a rural area where there was very little non-white population. We could name and number them.
While that left little chance to learn different cultures it also created no opportunities to have any conflict over it. That left me pretty open about race. I never saw the differences, but saw all the sameness.
I’ve spent a lot of time with members of my family who are black and honestly outside of some philosophical issues, with some, on how to resolve issues, we see the issues the same and want the same outcomes.
Call me idealistic, but I do think if we could get the talk about identifying issues and coming up with solutions we could make progress on many fronts. We have to avoid being accusative, defensive, inflexible, and political. We have to cut out those that hope to win using these problems, and get the majority that want to make things better to act in concert.
Hi Richard! Thank you for reading and commenting. You make so many good points here. Thankful for people like you who “see”. 🙂
To use your own words…..the way I see it, when it comes to race and conversations around reconciliation, “the white person’s burden”, in context of your writing, is the fear that perhaps it is true. The way I see it is that maybe in some modicum of their thinking that they know by their lack of action; that by their lack of assimilation or acceptance of other cultures; that by their acceptance, production, and financing of demeaning and degrading media-driven portrayals of other cultures; and that by lack of church action, lack of pastoral objections, lack of their sisters and brothers in Christ (not including the “Jesus fanatics or missionaries”(as they say)), the problems of others has become a burden to them.
The way I see it, many White people feel as though there is no need/desire to ask questions about race or explore the topic because they are unwilling to open their minds and hearts to hear the words of God. And in not initiating or acknowledging the conversations, they can continue to occasionally donate to needy causes, support political rhetoric which is both discriminatory as well as prejudice, justify salient decisions which adversely affect not only those of color, but also the economically disadvantaged and disenfranchised.
The way I see it, “the white person’s burden” fails to rise to the level of the burden of the uneducated, starving, unemployed, abused, and increasingly apathetic people from whom they fear.
The way I see it, it is only when we, (all of us), acknowledge that Jesus paid the price of this burden that the load will lifted……..
Hi Sherri, thank you so much for taking the time to read and to share your thoughts. Thankful that Christ has, indeed, lifted and continues to lift all of our burdens.
Race is an artificial construct that has led to us segregating ourselves and has unfortunately led to certain groups of people being oppressed. Segregation has led to different cultures being developed by each grouping and it is really the differences in culture that we fear and not someones race. I think it would be better to think of ethnicity rather than race.
My wife is Jamaican, we share a number of cultural similarities as she grew up watching the same British TV shows I watched, drinking tea and enjoying cricket (ok enjoying is stretching it). Being white, doesn’t necessarily mean I relate well to white Americans, my culture is difference.
Through the education system, media, work and living life we are supposed to be exposed to new ideas that challenge our perceptions and help us grow to appreciate different people.
However, in our society we can pick and choose where we go to school, in America the parents even have a say about what is included in text books, we choose which media we watch, live in segregated walled compounds and we go to different churches. For a number of people they keep themselves locked away in their own world never meeting or interacting with people of different cultures.
I am often really amazed by how segregated the US is, and how often ‘Christians’ are unwilling to learn about and engage with other cultures, whether it is a different ethnic group, sexual orientation or even political persuasion.
Check out this interesting post about race and culture http://progressivescholar.wordpress.com/2010/05/13/race-and-culture/
Reblogged this on merging cultures.
I was an Resident Advisor (RA) at my small college. One of the neatest things we did to “break-the-ice” was get into small groups of 3 and ask questions about each others race that we’ve always been curious about. That was our main objective. I was with a guy and girl, both african-american. The first question I asked was, “Do you ever get sunburned?” lol As an irish girl, I turn into a lobster. They were so gracious, that I felt comfortable to ask another…”I’ve noticed a lot of african-americans smelling like coconut…is there something to that?” lol Again, they were very gracious and I felt like they enjoyed the innocence and curiosity of the questions. I can’t remember what they asked me, but I know I was open to answering. One of my favorite quotes is “People will forget what you said, People will forget what you did, But people will never forget how you made them feel.” (Maya Angelou) Amen! Thanks for a great article! (And for my friend recommending it.)
Hey Kirsten!
Thank you so much for reading and commenting! 🙂 What a great story this is. And I am grateful that you have friends that you can ask honest questions to in a safe space.